Just a nightly post. Getting my thoughts out

     Ok, I'm tired of this. 38% of girls that got pregnant younger than 18 actually graduate high school. I'm angry! I don't know why but I feel so angry right now. What about with the 62%?? Why didn't they graduate?.. What made them stop?.. At this point on the more I see this and the more comments I get from random people saying I ruined my life, is really affecting me ! I have all these goals and ambitions BUT what if I drop out? What if this all becomes to hard? I wanted to have a good life.. I wanted to go to college and be a mortician ! Do something with my life. How do I juggle all things at once? Why did this happen to me?

     I'm not saying I hate this baby, I'm not in any way regretting it. And I know for a fact I won't hold it against for what I've lost on my life. But.. It all comes down to why me? You understand? I wanted nothing more than to impress my parents.. I wanted to show my family I was really something ! And now? What do I do? How do I grow up to be a good mom ? I was stilL trying to figure myself out and now I have to care for another human . As a kid I would watch shows of girls my age now getting pregnant, they would abort thief child, and me as a kid would say, "she should have just kept the baby, what she did was horrible." When really their is so much more going on through their heads!

     I will change that percentage, not by a lot but at least a little.. I will graduate. And all while raising a kid. I can't quit now. Who said my life was over ? Maybe it just started. I don't want to be seen as a statistic. I wanna be seen as someone who is trying. Who didn't quit. Who didn't give in to this crap. I love this little human inside me! And I love myself. I'm learning and I have a lot to go. But trust me when I say I'm gonna try because I've been watching movies and shows (like baby daddy) just to show me how much I have coming. Please don't underestimate young mothers. I believe most of the time girls doubt themselves in these situations is because People tell them they can't. They need support. They need love. Please don't leave us alone. 

From your scared teenager .

-MaggieO

Controlling men?

     Ah , hm , yes go into deep thought and think about that subject for a while. Yes it happens .. Men can become like that. I'm experiencing it in two different type of ways. Through my relationship and my moms. And the more I experience it , the more I hate this!  

     I can't say much right now about my moms but from my experience and going to therapy. It's starts small with little things, like jealousy and anger. My boyfriend for a fact is a very jealous person. His idea of a perfect relationship is me not talking to any guys but him. And I'm the type of girl to have guy friends and still be loyal! So that was a big no no!  But he also just gets mad at everything , and when I call him out on it he makes me the victim.. Saying things like.. you're disrespecting our relationship. I have good reasons to get mad at that because everyone agrees with me ! You're wrong ! Is what he always tells me. A while back when we first starting dating he said, "if you break up with me, I'm gonna kill myself." This wasn't something I thought big about until recently with my therapist. She said that's the beginning and that's already extreme in a way. He also claims to destroy my property if I'm to do something wrong. This is him controlling me with fears and a way to make me feel bad or scared of leaving him. In a article I read it said

     Sadly, most of these relationships become abusive and I’m not talking only about the physical abuse, but also about the emotional abuse. When they lose their trust in you, they will start accusing you of different things and your fights might degenerate into physical altercations or emotional abuse (they could tell you that you are not capable of doing anything right or that you’ll never find someone as wonderful as them who will love and accept you as you are with all your horrible faults).

     Now for the main reason I wrote this article.. My mom. I live with her and her boyfriend and at this point I have no one to tell how I feel about their relationship. I tried to tell her I didn't like him and he didn't really treat her right. But she starting crying and saying I would rather her be miserable with my dad again and I didn't want her to be happy cause I only cared about myself. -.- I tried. I really did.

     But it's just , I'm not sure if I'm overreacting about them. My cousin said it's jealousy because apparently I don't get attention and I want all that attention to myself. But here goes. I'm not calling him controlling like my boyfriend but like today for example.. My mom doesn't like my boyfriend but I had an appointment today at the clinic and he likes to go to them to be aware of what is going on with the baby. And well my mom never takes him or gives him a ride back home. Today he had no ride back and had to take the bus. My mom, willingly offered a ride to leave him close by his house. So she did. We drop him off go to subway and go home. Now we get home I sit down to eat my subway and her boyfriend starts to argue with her. He was angry she took him home or gave him a ride. He also said that if she's gonna be doing that then she can find her own way to get to the clinic. She just said ok calm down I won't do it again and comes out of the room and tells me. We're never giving him any rides home ever again because my bf doesn't like that. And if you want him to go then go with him and find you're own ride. Or we can all the take the bus together to get there. And that's it. It just bugged me.
     But it's not just that, its more ... Many more things that happen.. I just don't think my mom sees it so horribly because of what she went through with my dad. *sigh*

-MaggieO 

    I'm planning to break things off with my boyfriend for anyone thinking that. Hehe.. Just don't know how , it's a difficult thing to think about and how he will take it. Thank you for reading. 

     If you've realized that you are in a relationship where your partner cares more about control and totally neglects all the other aspect of your relationship, like mutual respect, mutual support or romance, then you should do something to change this situation. Just talk to them, try to work it out and think about what you want, what you deserve and what you get from your love life. Have you ever been involved in a relationship with a controlling partner? How did you manage it? 

Pregnancy update

You or whoever , hello. *waves hand*

Lol ok, I don't know how to wrote these. Hehe , but I'm officially 12 weeks pregnant and well I ripped a pair of jeans today. Oh goodie! I feel really bloated , I decided to eat some Doritos *sigh*

Oh this is a really big picture! XD well anywho , ew that made me bit nauseous. So really my pregnancy has been nothing but throwing up occasionally , feeling nauseous and um yea throwing up. But ! I was in Mexico for a whole week. It was great I saw everyone.. Except .. I couldn't eat.. I couldn't eat tortillas .. I cried , I really did cry for tortillas. I can't chips anymore.. Only this time but I know they're gonna go down my toilet any second now! And that picture is making it worse. I've been craving fruit a lot, it's always just oh bring me grapes or mangos or strawberrys . Hehe healthy baby I got down there! I hope. Well let's see .. Im really tired all the time like I can't control it! I sleep anywhere ! I can sleep a good three days of my mom let me XD but she won't. But overall I was really depressed about this pregnancy and would cry myself to sleep.. But hearing all my aunts say it's a blessing well I'm starting to feel a lot better! It's just still hard.. I don't want to be stressed out and depressed .. I want to be happy. And it sucks because everyone says all my negative thoughts and feelings are being felt by the baby.. 

Can I tell you guys a secret? ... 

Well.. I'm not entirely sure about everything .. I'm not sure if I'll make it another 6 months or something. I have the most horrible thoughts and I wish I could just stop thinking about abortion but it's my only way out! .. But that's not a choice.. 

Well, speaking about feeling better! *blush* 

What else do you write on pregnancy blogs? My feet haven't swollen up yet? XD um I lose my appetite a lot. But also gain it really quickly later in the day. I throw up whenever I'm on an empty tummy. I can't eat yogurt , chips , tamales , chocolate and corn or I throw immediately . Oh and lunchables! Any type of lunchables XD well that's about it you guys.. I don't think my tummy is growing but when someone says it is I'll try and see if I get the balls to post a picture! XD 

Bye! -MaggieO 

Hmm

"How sad it must feel to have no one want you" -my father 

-heartbroken 

Another day

Ok blogspot, let's start over.

 This is my view right now , yea I know not the best image in the world. But as I feel my heart pounding more and more. Stomach squeezing , mouth filling with saliva. I just wait for the moment when my stomach will release. Now why you ask? I'm pregnant. 

Well that was fast , I wipe my face, wait a couple of minutes more, flush the toilet, off to bed now. 

It's been 9 weeks now and trust me it has not been the best 9 weeks of my life. 

To answer all you're questions, 

Yes I want the kid 

Yes I'm still with the dad 

Yes my parents know. 

Sorry for coming off on such a bad note, it's just I'm 16 and I'm not going to be 17 until December. But my baby is due January 24. I guess maybe by then I'll be a little more grown . Heh. For one thing I could basically write a whole 3 page essay on how and what to eat after throwing up. (If you need me to I will gladly be of assistance). 😂 is it normal that I've been throwing up every day for the past two weeks?! When is is going to go away! 😭😫 :( 

But.. I came back to blogspot today for the simple reason that I want to write how I feel down instead of blowing my sisters phone with messages and face time of me balling me eyes out . So guess what blogspot! You're my victim now! 

Wahahahaahahaahahaahaahahahahaaahahhahaahahahahahahahahahaha

Any who my tone will go a little darker now... 

About the dad... I'm not sure I'd want to spend the rest of my life with him.. Not to sound off. It's just every relationship I've had was just a little teenage thing to me . Not a life time thing. Yea I might feel certain ways for him . And I had butterflies the first time I met him.. But thinking about it now , an education is put in front of that. You see , for me it's , career first and then relationship.. And now it has to be baby first l career second relationship third.. It's especially hard to think about education when basically everyone in your family is saying it's not possible to continue. With no hard feelings baby , I really don't want these thoughts in my head . And if you're like my Mexican mom then I know what you're thinking , I opened my legs now I have to deal with the responsibility. I know I figured that out as well... 

But with my family judging me.. Friends telling me to abort it.. And not being able to go outside (you know, nausea) I start feeling lonely.. 

At least a few hours ago I called my dad and stayed quiet.. He knew I was upset and just talked.. I feel like these days all I want is someone to listen to.. Or even better someone to listen to me. I can't talk to my boyfriend because all he thinks about is weed.. My mom will just argue with me.. None of my friends really care.. I really don't have any friends ... And well my cousins... They're either to young, to old or mad at me for my foolish mistakes. I have my sister .. But I can't put all my emotions on top of her as well. 

Maybe I feel this way because of pregnancy .. But maybe god finally sent me my real lesson in life.. And now I'm learning . 

-MaggieO- 

I added the O because I'm pregant now. 😒 

An old story i once wrote.

     These two stories are together. Its hard to understand it, i was like 12 when i wrote it. :)
          -I DO-
     I'm looking down at my hands to see them holding a bouquet of flowers. And if i were to raise my dress up just a little I would see those gigantic heels i wanted to wear as a little girl. And to my left my arm would be entangled with my fathers arm while i got closer to my fate. Eyes staring at me, smiles greeting me at every step. Oops, almost tripped on my dress. The brightest white dress anyone had ever seen. At my front, my future husband is waiting for me. He looks amazing in that black suit. And he still holds the little white rose i gave him when we first met. Now i'm guiding myself by his smile, and his two dimples that reassured me everything would be alright. Im now standing next to him, looking at the priest. The words i hear dont matter. This moment matters. I do.
I do.

          -REGRET-
     I get up, walk over to the restroom. I sigh, pick up the knife. I feel a little tipsy, maybe hungover from last night. Today is the day. I take a quick shower, put on a red short dress. A bow for my hair and  fishtail to finish off.
     Its a nice day, sun is up wind is blowing. Clouds are hardly seen. i walk inside the church. Church bells ring, i kneel down to my god. I find a seat at the very back. And wait. I get desperate, i start shaking. My breathing became heavier. "I have to stay" i whisper to myself..
     She looks beautiful, amazing, just like a star. Her gentle hands hold a perfect bouquet of flowers. Her dress moving perfectly with each step she takes. Her proud father by her side. And waiting for her at the front is the man that i love. I'm here today making sure he is happy with who once used to be my best friend. I'm dying inside, remembering every kiss, every touch. She's by your side now, the priest is talking. You both dont care. Your both here to say yes. I should have never left you. I was dumb.
     "Does anyone in here object the marriage of these two?"
     There i am, staring, thinking "stop it, stop it here." No, i dont want to ruin this happy day.

Minutes pass by, they have already kissed they already said i do. I stand up... run outside and cry. Can't talk, cant breath. My cries are silent. I'm trying to grasp the air. I hear cheers and applause. I wipe away my tears, get in my car and put in the keys. Theres a knock by the right window. Its him!
I unlock the door and plants himself right down next to me.
"Were are we going?" he asks
"Don't you have a wedding to be at right now?"
"It got boring when you left/" He chuckled a little and then his smile turned to a frown.
"Stop, please just go." I said to with tears halfway down my face.
"Tell me the truth, how do you feel about all this?" He was now looking at me with those kind sad eyes he would do every time he'd see me cry back then.
"Honestly, it hurts, I miss you and the way we used to be. Theres nothing to do anymore, your a married man and your happy. I'm going to be fine." I cleaned the tears away and covered my face as if i was five again.
"No girl in this world will ever mean as much as you ever did to me. You left me, i had to move on. But i'll never be as happy as you made me. And maybe in another life, we will be together." He opened the door of the car and started walking out,"Oh and i forgot" he added,"It's time i let go of this." He set down a picture of us down on the seat and left. I cried and started heading home.
I do... I do regret everything.

This afternoon at 2:42 pm on the day April 15, 2021 their was an accident on the freeway. Only 5 injured but one dead. It was a young lady about the age of 26. All my prayers and blessing go to her and her family.

Thats when i realized, my mission in life was now over. I saw things all differently now. I was now laying in a coffin. Everyone dressed in black. Everyone dressed in black. Every family member i had was all shedding tears. Im sorry, forgive me. He was sitting at the very back crying... But soon enough left just the same way i had walked out from his wedding.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON. I LOVE YOU.

-End-
-Maggie-